Ask Manjot is a monthly advice column by writer and therapist Manjot Mann that tackles all things womanhood, relationships, mental health and more. Submit your questions here.
Dear Manjot, I was recently engaged but it broke off due to my partner’s sister being very involved, controlling and narcissistic. There’s a lot out there on being in narcissistic relationships but I feel like I can’t relate because my partner was great (apart from not being strong enough to stand up to his family) but it was actually his sister that was the narcissist. She didn’t want him to get married at all to anyone and did everything she could to break us up. It was controlling to the point of telling me what I could and couldn’t wear, how high my necklines had to be and that everything discussed between me and my partner needed to be shared with the family. There were 3 people in my relationship and the mental trauma and manipulation has stayed with me and I feel like this isn’t spoken about enough. And this wasn’t an uneducated family from India that doesn’t know any better but a highly educated amrithari family from Canada. I felt like I lost myself in the process and have this fear for future relationships now. Any advice?
Dear Reader,
Thank you for sharing your story. I just want to take a moment to say how brave you are. It’s not easy to end a relationship and it sounds like you had a deep affection for your ex but recognized that his inability to stand up to his family was a deal breaker.
Based on what you’ve shared it doesn’t sound like your partner was a narcissist but it seems like his actions (or lack of) were a big part of the reason why the relationship ended. Your almost sister in law also sounds problematic in that her behaviour was allowed to continue to the point where it contributed to the end of your relationship.
Your situation reminds me of a term we use in therapy called enmeshment. When a family exhibits a high degree of enmeshment personal boundaries are blurred and everyone is involved in each others life often to an unhealthy degree.People who are experiencing enmeshment might not have good boundaries with themselves or their family. They might do things out of guilt and obligation and these patterns are often normalized within the family unit.
You’re right when you say this isn’t talked about enough. I think part of the issue is that people don’t always see enmeshment as a problem. Culturally, we are taught it is a good thing if we defer to our family or include them in decisions but as you saw firsthand over involvement can end a relationship when it leads to controlling and manipulative behaviour.
As you re-enter the dating world hold onto the knowledge that you are capable of walking away from people and situations that are not in line with your values.
When you’re spending time with a new partner and the anxiety is building ask yourself is there something happening right now that is making me anxious or is the anxiety rooted in my past experiences? It can be helpful to journal about specific moments that are making you anxious or to reflect on them in therapy. Often we find that anxiety is rooted in the past and is being triggered when we are feeling uncertain or afraid in a new situation. Anxiety is the part of us that is afraid and does not want to be hurt again. Sometimes we need to take a moment to reassure ourselves that we have the tools to walk away if needed and that not every situation with a new partner will be like the last.
Take your time to find yourself. You went through a big life event. You thought you had found the person you wanted to spend your life with and now you are re-evaluating everything you thought you knew about yourself. Take care of yourself the same way you would care for a cherished friend. Connect with the people you love, engage in activities that bring you joy and let go of expectations that you need to find someone quickly. Find yourself again by taking the time to heal.
Your story is heartbreaking but you are an inspiration. You recognized your worth and walked away. Not everyone is able to do this. There’s going to be another person out there reading this story and feeling seen because of what you shared, thank you for that. You’ve reminded us all that we don’t have to put up with things that make us uncomfortable.
I wish you all the best in your journey. You got this.
Love always,
Manjot
